“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change”. Thich Nhat Hanh
Monthly Archives: April 2013
Conflict is around us all the time. Ironically while working on this conflict series, there has been upheaval all around both internally and externally. I have to laugh at myself because today amnesia kicked in and my mind forgot about all these solutions. I went back and reread the article on ‘relapse’ and why we so easily fall back into old patterns. This is what trips many of us up. We relapse and then give up. A small voice whispers that I’m a hypocrite and should stop writing now. A stronger voice trusts this process and continues.
Conflict is like a washing machine. What goes into the machine is agitated but it also comes out clean. Stop the washing machine too early and it’s a wet soapy mess. Conflict interrupted just builds up to create more conflict. Conflict resolved produces creative results, deeper understanding, intimacy and personal growth to name just a few of its benefits. Continue reading
Yesterday we talked about the ‘rewards’ of conflict. For some of us drama can be exciting, it can validate we have something happening in our lives, it gets our juices flowing, our minds reved up, and makes us feel powerful.. So it’s important to identify what we get out of conflict.
Conflict can be a sort of ‘manic defense’. If we are always busy buzzing from one thing to another then there is very little time for self reflection and even less time for intimacy. All this ‘busy’ can be a great defense to intimacy, self realization and feeling. We may race around to avoid uncomfortable feelings. We may stay ‘busy’ and disconnected to hide deep rooted insecurities.
Conflict can be the beginning of consciousness. Conflict is like a washing machine it takes everything you put in there and agitates it.
It only takes one person to have a conflict; we’ve already talked about our own internal conflicts. It also only takes one person to dispel conflict.
Ever notice how some people are conflict magnets! They usually talk a lot, have great stories, can be very entertaining and they may say things like “I just don’t want any drama”. hahaha. We’ve probably all been guilty of this at one time or another, because let’s face it drama can be exciting, it can validate we have something happening in our lives, it gets our juices flowing, our minds reved up, and makes us feel powerful. So those are the rewards we get from it and some of the reasons why we may keep doing it. Continue reading
Conflict can be healthy. Conflict that disrupts our state of mind is … well … disturbing. What about internal conflicts? Can you relate to any of these:
I want to be thin. I love cup cakes, just one more
I want to spend more time with family. I need to make more money.
I want to rest more. I need to have a clean and organized home.
“You wil not succeed in being partial hostage to the ego, for it keeps no bargains and would leave you nothing. Nor can you be partial host to it. You must choose between total freedom and total bondage, for there are no alternatives but these,” Course In Miracles.
Jack Carroll is no hostage to his ego. The ego says poor boy he’s in a wheelchair with cerebral palsy. Jack Carroll said “I turned my weakness into a strength.” Jack Carroll chose total freedom.
How often do we choose to bind our minds, our creativity, our dreams, our goals with limiting thoughts such as these? We may think if you had my problems you’d drink to. If your child was a sick as mine you’d eat to.
If you had my debt you would act like this to. Life is hard. Life is unfair. Life is complicated. Life does not treat me well. I have tried so hard and I’m still hurting. This is not working for me.
Gasp! This will be too terrifying for many parents to watch or even worse to consider. So get out your bacterial hand gel, put on some safety glasses and watch this daring video with extreme caution.
Alternatively we could all be a little more daring in our lives. We grow up consumed with fear, regret and negativity. How many of us, with good intentions, download all of this neurosis onto our children. Do we wrap them in protection and warning labels because we believe that is what is best for them or do we do it unconsciously because we’ve never stopped to consider another possibility.
Sit. Gaze at this photo. Anything happen? Now imagine millions of years in a few seconds. Heated rock cools. Layers form. Tectonic plates buckle. Land masses rise. Ice Caps Melt. Water carves paths. Now apply this to your life. Momentum creates change. Continue reading
“Peace of mind is clearly an internal matter. It must begin with your own thoughts, and then extend outward. It is from your peace of mind that a peaceful perception of the world arises.” p51