Last week we touched on the power of I want statements. I want statements vs I don’t want statements bring about a focus of what we want. When we focus on what we want we draw it to us. We are all biologically wired to want connection. When we focus on I don’t want statements, we break our connection with others and the things we want in our lives.
When we go to someone and state we don’t want them to do x we are not clearly defining what we do want. When we say what I want is for you to do x, then both parties are clear on the expectation which they may or may not choose to accommodate.
This leads to understanding expectations. When we focus on what we want it is wise to remember that others will only give us what they want. Just because we ask does not mean they consent. Some may ask then what is the point? The point is whatever we want it to be. For me the point is that I am learning how to be vulnerable. To live in what I want and share that statement with the world. It helps me be clear. There is understanding that just because I want something does not necessarily mean the other person is willing to give it to me. Being honest about what I want does however create possibilities. It opens doors and makes space for me to consider alternative ways to achieve that which I want.
This is when letting go comes into play. I let go of my expectation of that person but focus on what I want in my own life to move me forward. My wants may lead me to another person or situation that has wants that are in alignment with my own.
We also take the word need out of the equation. They don’t really need me and I don’t really need them; perhaps that is not true. Maybe there is a need, but need does not deliver long-term results. Want delivers results. Others do what they want and I do what I want. For a time we can do what we need but that is not authentic living. Authenticity comes from being vulnerable and announcing what we want, then living in that want and creating it in our life.
I have to do, I need to do, I should do are often times statements of wishes. If we do what we must to get what we want then the want is the motivaton and we are more likely to achieve lasting results.
We are taught we can’t always get what we want. We must be responsible. We must do what we need to do. Is that really true? How many happy lives have been built on need, should and have to?
Is it more true for me that I eat because I want to live. Not that I eat because I need to. If I did not want to live, then I would not eat. Is it true that I go to work because I want to have a home. It is the want driving what my motives not the need. That is why so many people who need to work are unemployed, and who need to diet are overweight and who need to change their lives make no such change because underneath they are motivated in that moment by what they want. They may want to stay in their comfort zone more than they want to lose weight or change their life.
In all my relationships, I have been focusing on expressing what I want. I am often told no. I still stay focused on what I want and living in that want and moving towards that want. That is how change occurs. I want to be joyful. I want to be an instrument for joy. When I’ve been called to task on how I show up I want to seek to understand and to grow as a person. As a result I spend very little energy making others wrong, being angry, looking at their defects and instead I focus on what I can do because I want to grow.
Life is all about what we want. We have a choice on how we react. Life is hard. We are stunned by tragic events; sick children, broken dreams, betrayal in our relationships and financial loss. We’ve all experienced our own loss. We all have a choice in how we react to that loss. I want to react to loss with grace. With a desire to learn. To look back and say I’ve changed. I did what I could to evolve, to be better, to learn more. I make mistakes all the time. I am able to accept and embrace those mistakes without making others wrong to make myself feel better. That is powerful and empowering. I am fallible. I am ok with my own imperfections. I wish to grow and that takes time. I am open. I am willing. It is scary to live life open to the world.
For me it was miserable to live a life closed off. It was dark and shallow and meaningless. Each accomplishment left me feeling more empty. No matter how hard I tried, how hard I worked, how many great decisions I convinced myself I was making, I still felt unfulfilled.
This is a new and scary way to live life and it’s wonderful. Some days I even have moments when it all makes sense. Many days I feel a deep connection to my family and friends.