Emotional Availability – this one may hurt!

emotionally-unavailable

I debated if I wanted to make this blog funny or serious; deep or shallow; personal or professional.  To challenge myself, I’ve decided tackle full circle, but in less than 500 words 831 words 870 words!  841 words…

Let’s start with mom ~

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Emotionally available mothers score higher for sensitiveness, acceptance, cooperation and emotional availability.  Even if mom loves us, if she was insecure, insensitive, judgmental or detached, that means we are less of the inverse and will struggle ourselves.

As a result children with emotionally available mothers develop autonomy, emotional sharing, cognitive plasticity and problem solving.

We need only look at the workplace to see this case study in action! 

Those of us with unresolved ‘mommy issues’ are more needy, overly sensitive, have disproportionate egos, make it all about ‘me’ and although we can be extremely talented in our ‘area’ we often ‘don’t play well with others’!  (147 words)

What does an emotionally available person look like?  Kenneth Blanchard sums it up concisely!

“There’s a difference between interest and commitment.  When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it’s convenient.  When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

Now we all know those people who are committed to work, making money, to working out, or having fun.  How many people do we know who are committed to being emotionally available?  And are we? (231 words)

Psych Central has key things to look for; as if anyone needs that list!  If you’ve ever been in a relationship (at work or romantically) you know what it looks like.  We are evasive, make excuses, or just inept when it comes to clear and compassionate communication.  We may use anger, criticism or activities to create distance. We make ourselves “busy” to avoid.  The ‘available’ party ends up feeling alone, depressed, unimportant or rejected in romance.  In work, we may feel put out, inconvenienced, avoided, or disempowered to get our own good work done.  We may feel like we are married to or work with a ‘man-baby’ or ‘Cruella de Vil’.. (396 words)

Signs we are unavailable?

  • Overly charismatic, flirty, charming or seductive (because we have a short attention span so we’ve learned to pile it on because we can’t sustain it!) Once you are ‘hooked’ we can go back to being ‘too busy’.
  • Control; won’t be inconvenienced to modify our routine.  What we have going on is more important.  You had to finish a report, but our golf game went long.
  • Listen; to us… It’s demanded and anything short of absolute obedience is insubordination.  Good luck finding an ear when you need it!  And if you must we will make it clear what an inconvenient intrusion this has been on our ‘busy’ schedule.
  • String of ended relationships before they get too close or we make ourselves ‘too busy’ for a relationship.
  • Arrogant; how else can we hide all those insecurities.
  • Perfection seekers; because in our fantasy; we are flawless and you will never live up.
  • Chronic Lateness; because we are ‘too busy’ and you are less important. (528 words)

What does being available look like?

“I was here.  I just want them to know that I gave my all.  Did my best.  Brought someone some happiness.  Left this world a little better; just because.  I was here.” Beyonce

Most of us suffer from ‘unavailability’ at times.  Life is demanding.  We are bombarded.  People expect too much. We have daunting missions.

Yes!  However, if that is ALWAYS our EXCUSE then we’ve gone from circumstantial unavailability to chronic emotional numbness.  

For those of us not damaged by our childhood or who have healed from it, we may not even realize when or how we crossed over.  The demands of life may have beaten us down into manic numbness in order to ‘get it all done’.

The correction is universal.

Face our fears.  Fear keeps us from being available.  If we sit still, we may be afraid of the boredom, or all the demands that will pile up unattended and drown us.

If we put down our phones we may be afraid of the anxious feelings we have.

If we risk being vulnerable, we may be afraid of being rejected.

If we invite someone in, then we may be afraid they will have more power.

We may think if we keep up our walls in business the ‘pack of wolves won’t tear us apart’.

We may think we have to be strong or else the family will fall apart.

Fear at every turn, builds up a wall, but what is trapped behind all those walls?  Joy.

To Begin…

Do anything that feels uncomfortable to do!  Yep, whatever that thought was; go do it! Put the phone down.  Go hold your spouses hands and look into their eyes (yes they will be weary and wonder what you ‘really want’ and is that not ever so telling?  Go listen to that absurd and stupid idea they had at the office and pretend you care by asking questions.  Allow yourself to be inconvenienced; make it harder on you than on the other person.

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One thought on “Emotional Availability – this one may hurt!

  1. Michele

    A Lovely and entertaining read! I think we can all ebb and flow in and out of being connected and disconnected. I know that when I am going too fast- i disconnect and am not available even to my kids. I dont do it consciously, but I catch myself. Its almost like a regrouping of the self. Gracias!

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